It's only a matter of time…

Zombies?

Yes, zombies. One of the most problematic events that threaten humanity is a zombie outbreak. We’ve all seen zombies in movies, games, and books, but just how realistic are these portrayals? Would humanity really be doomed, or would we be able to fight back? Are zombies slow, shuffling rotten flesh, or fast and deadly killers? In the event of apocalypse do we adopt a nomadic lifestyle, or do we fortify our surroundings? All of these are key questions that are posed whenever zombies are mentioned  in media and the arts, and I plan to address them as well as I can, as well as laying out rules and advice that I feel would, as generally as possible, help improve your chances of survival in case of outbreak.

Firstly, we’ll explore just what kind of zombie we could expect were an outbreak to occur. To do this we need to make some assumptions about the cause of zombification, and indeed, what constitutes a zombie. Princeton defines a zombie as “a dead body that has been brought back to life by a supernatural force”, a quite broad definition, but one that suggests if infection were possible, would occur via death and then reanimation. This poses the question of whether an infection could turn only the living, only corpses, or both. Meanwhile, the origins of the word zombie relate it to the idea of automatons and mindless labourers. Either way, zombies are not necessarily ruthless killers as seen in movies, merely mindless drones that may possibly act on instinct or instruction. On top of this, the means of becoming a zombie would have a massive bearing on just what type of zombie we get. If we’re talking reanimation, this would almost assuredly result in the festering, rotten, slow zombies as traditionally depicted. If infection of living beings is possible, then depending on specifics, we could be seeing fast-zombies as preferred in modern media; due to lack of muscle decay.

Trying to avoid being overly specific, we’ll consider the zombies to be discussed here as such:

• A zombie is a (near-)mindless entity that has the body of a human being (for the purposes here, we’ll ignore the possibility of say, zombie dogs)
• Zombies are created through infection and/or damage to the brain, removing sentient thought. As such living beings, and fresher corpses may be zombified.
• A zombie’s appearance (in terms of skin colour, decay, etc.), and ability would be dependant on the condition of the source body – Live vs. corpse

Of course, being this general, we run into issues: How is infection spread? Do zombies continue to decay post-animation? What level of intelligence do they have? etc.

In regards to spread of infection, we have several matters to look at. Can a zombie bite/scratch spread the condition to the victim? If we think in terms of Romero zombies, then victims are merely killed by the zombie attack, and reanimated separately by the cause of infection – be it an airborne virus or whatever. This could be extended, as is commonly done, to suggest that the zombie bite itself carries the infection, possibly through the zombie’s blood, and thus this allows direct living-to-zombie conversion, as opposed to living-to-dead-to-zombie as otherwise required. In reality this seemingly minor distinction could mean the difference between fast and slow zombies, as well as whether the zombie population increases as attacks increase, or whether the population is stagnant. So I’ll not be specifying this, as either could be possible.

The second question here, of the continued decay of zombies, is also affected by the previous question – as it is a matter of whether or not a zombie is formed from a corpse or a living body, and to what degree bodily functions are required to sustain the zombie. If the source is a corpse, then the organs would have shut down, allowing micro-organisms to begin to break down the body, and even if zombification were to result in the restarting of such functions, the decay could well continue; leading to zombies with a limited lifespan, albeit a possibly long one. Likewise, if a zombie, regardless of body, has an open wound, this could easily start the process of decay and non-zombie infection that damages and possibly eventually kills/destroys the zombie, as zeds aren’t exactly known for seeking medical treatment.

In terms of intelligence, we have to consider just what sort of damage has been done to the brain, the amount of cognitive function, and whether any memories are retained of their past life as a human. The simple answer is that to fit the idea of being mindless, not necessarily all function would have to be removed, although this would most likely be the case – with pretty much just instinct and trace memories guiding the zombie. Following this, it’s quite possible that some zombies may not have the memory of walking, or running, and human language will most likely be out of the equation – but there’s also the possibility that some memories, like using doors, or the relations between people, houses, and cars, will be intact. These ‘smart zombies’ are quite possibly a bigger risk than lesser-minded but fast zombies, as they may well be far better at finding survivors, and as with any zombie, where one goes, many may follow.

Okay, so that’s the generic outlining of the kind of zombie would could expect to encounter, now we can discuss the human side of things; how should YOU be acting in case of zombies? So here it is, my list of rules that I believe would help you in just such a situation:

1. Be Prepared – Make sure you know what you’re going to do if zombies do come. Have several plans, don’t depend on one idea. Be prepared, both before and during the event; you don’t want to be caught and killed just because you had to leave to get some tinned beans or toilet paper.
2. Don’t Be Stupid -Thinks through logically, consider the consequences of your actions. Know your escape route. If you’ve never used a gun before, don’t expect to be crowning zeds left right and centre. Play to your skills, talents, and knowledge. Don’t take unnecessary risks.
3. Take Calculated Risks – But only when needed! If your house is about to be over-run with zombies, but you could escape by going through a slightly less dangerous route, you escape.
4. Be Alert – Don’t let your guard down. Just because you’re in a bed, or on the toilet doesn’t mean you’re safe. Always keep a weapon nearby. Listen for shuffling, groans, or any other signals of zombies in vicinity.
5. Conserve Rations – This applies to both food and ammunitions. You can’t be certain when you’ll be able to restock, so be conservative with your usage. So don’t be using automatic weapons to spray a horde of zombies, it’s not effective and you’ll come to regret it when you run out ammo, with a barely-reduced horde creeping ever closer.
6. Use Your Rations – That being said, don’t just leave food and ammo sitting unused. You need enough energy from food to keep you going, and you need to make sure those zombies are dead - ‘double tap’. Just don’t go over the top.
7. Travel Light - Only carry as much as you or your group can carry without over-encumbering yourselves. A survivor carrying only a rifle, and a backpack with a bit of food and ammo is more effective than a survivor trying to carry absolutely everything. Spread your supplies between the group as best as possible.
8. Small Groups Only – Surviving alone isn’t living; you need the support and interaction of other fellow humans to keep sane and help you. However, large groups of survivors are possibly as dangerous as zombies themselves. Risks of friendly fire, desertion, murder, too much or too little emotional interference, louder and more obvious to zombies. etc. Ideally a group would have 3-8 people. Any less and try to find another group. Any more and split up.
9. Get Somewhere Safe – Safe is a relative term. Here, I’m talking about somewhere that has choke points, supplies/storage,  good view, and is defensible. The more secure the better, but don’t keep travelling because you found a place that isn’t completely ideal.
10. Travel When Needed – Staying put can be just as dangerous and constantly travelling. If you need more supplies, or the zombie population is increasing in your vicinity, consider mobilising your group, don’t wait around to be torn to shreds.
11. Keep Electronics Off – “Radios make noise, shithead”. This includes communication devices. Keep it all off if you’re not specifically using it. you’ll reduce your detectability to zombies, and prolong the limited battery life of the devices.
12. Equip Yourself Properly - Don’t wear bulky, heavy clothing, armour or padding. Don’t wear incredibly baggy clothing. Don’t wear anything restrictive. Wear what allows you to move freely and comfortably. Don’t use automatic weapons like machine guns unless you’ve got nothing left. Don’t take an overly long or short melee weapon, long weapons are bad in narrow hallways, short are too dangerous for you.
13. Don’t Rely on Melee - By the time a zombie is close enough for you to be hitting with a cricket bat,  crowbar, axe, or what-have-you, chances are you’ve already screwed up or compromised yourself in some way already. Try to avoid going head-to-head with a zed unless you absolutely have to.
14. Don’t Conceal Wounds – If you’ve been hit by zombie, you damn well tell your group. With a chance of you turning or  dying (and then turning) at any time, you’ve become a liability. Don’t put their lives at risk, tell them. What happens after that is down to your group. As harsh as it may seem, I advice abandonment (with a few supplies) of any infected members.
15. Don’t Give Up - Even if your entire group has been killed, even if you have no supplies left, even if you face an entire horde. Don’t give up. Just keep trying to survive, try  to get yourself to other survivors. Do whatever it takes.

You’ll notice I didn’t specify where you should hit a zombie. That’s because it depends far too much on circumstance. You’d think head would be the obvious choice, but when you’re dealing with people who haven’t handled guns, or any kind of weapon, you should emphasise incapacitating zombies, and then get them in the head. I suppose aiming for the neck might work, since pull down too much and you hit the torso possibly causing a zed to stagger, and from there upwards, you might disconnect the head. Either way allowing you to go on to destroy the brain.

I might add to this list over time as and when I remember stuff I was going to put on it.

And remember, this isn’t comprehensive, and it’s all purely theoretical, and applied only to the general idea, rather than any specific kind of zombie outbreak, so bear that in mind if you do find yourself pointing a boomstick at a horde of zed at some point in the future.